1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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