I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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