I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
