How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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