my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
