I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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