awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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