he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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