did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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