I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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