I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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