I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
