If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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