??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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