I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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