the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
