Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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