you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
