Who did Billy Mays play for?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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