How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
