Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize