I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
