woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
