2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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