The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
