you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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