apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
