Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
