He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
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Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
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Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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