he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
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It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
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One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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