sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
