break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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