When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
