I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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