fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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