I can text with my tongue
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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