she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
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