I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
