woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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