You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
