Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I love having hate sex.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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