Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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