You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize