made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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