its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
