Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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