Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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