I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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