Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
