The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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