all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
