Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
