I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
