I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
