Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
